Shitters! I’m BAAaaCCCKkk. Between debates and America day, it has been a minute since we talked shit, but I come begging for forgiveness with another edition of Shit I Bought and Ate and Liked! The best kind!
This one’s for my shitters with a sweet tooth. Not that the other shitters aren’t my people, but not having a sweet tooth is really fucking sus, so yea—guess you’re not my people. As always, much love and respect to the fans.
I LOVE pretty much every kind of sweet treat, but around the time I hit age 20 (insert your joke about that being approx five minutes ago, haha you’re a riot!!) sugar started making me feel shitty.
This does not mean I have stopped eating my sweet treats, but I have started looking for some yummy ~alts~ that don’t make me feel like I was hit by a truck after eating them. I have moderately high standards, but I’ve found a few new faves. Here goes:
Chocolate: Hu Kitchen is the gold standard of fucking delish chocolate, and it makes no sense because it’s vegan, paleo, cane/refined-sugar free, etc etc etc. Based on the list of things these don’t include, you’d half expect the thing to be made of air. To be honest, I don’t really buy “regular” chocolate anymore because this actually tastes better to me, plus it doesn’t make me breakout, get stomach aches, fall into a sugar coma, or feel like trash.
My favorites: Cashew Butter + Vanilla Bean—the best starter flavor, IMO ($25/4 bars), Salty Dark Chocolate—a classic! ($25/4 bars), Cashew Butter & Raspberry Jelly—sounds crazy, but is my flavor of choice ($25/4 bars)
Gummies: Smart Sweets. WHEREEEEE have these been my whole life. This company took prebiotic fiber (don’t ask me what this is) and turned it into cleaner versions of your favorite gummies—Swedish Fish, Peachy-O’s, Gummi Bears, GUSHERS (honestly Gushers were kinda gross and not really a candy, but you people used to ride for that shit so maybe this speaks to you). Full disclosure, these don’t taste exactly like the Haribos you’re used to, but they’re still quite good and do the trick with a candy craving. They make a particularly good desk snack for when you’re crashing on a deadline and need to shovel something sweet into your mouth to power you through your Excel sheet or deck or whatever it is you people with real jobs spend all day working on (WOULDN’T KNOW).
My favorites: Peach rings ($35/12 bags), Swedish fish ($18/6 bags), Fruity bears ($19/6) *FYI, these taste more like fruit snacks than traditional gummy bears, but are still yummmm.
If you buy these bag for bag or bar for bar at Whole Foods, congrats on being rich! Buying in bulk on the ‘zon or via Thrive Market (health food sold on sale online—they’re mad cheap here and you get 25% off your first order so go big, people!) will save you some doll hairs in the long run. As always, if you use these links I get a couple cents of those doll hairs, 100% of which will go towards the “should I dye my hair Zendaya red, I feel like I should?” fund.
I will leave you with parting words borrowed from USWNT star Ashlyn Harris: “You’re fuckin welcome for this content biiiiiiiitch.” FIN.